If you ackled in t just as you  to op of a to be t breakfast television presenters.

    (to breakfast television presenters, of course, most of  not breakfast, luncure enougo rise above Jesss taunts, even t like breaking her arms.

    If  go, are you going to behave? Yes.

    So Maureen stood up, and ability Jess scrambled for to bring her crashing down again.

    Noeran of countless similar situations, and he ropes.

    I dont bloody know.

    didnt occur to any of us t a   t point in ted ty of our situation: urning a solemn and private moment into a farce  of thousands.

    And at t precise moment of acceptance, e cougurned round to look, all, good-looking, long-en years younger t under one arm and one of ted bags in ther.

    Any of you guys order a pizza? he said.

    MAUREEN  I d never met an American before, I dont t at all sure il t expect Americans to be delivering pizzas, do you? ell, I dont, but per out of touc order pizzas very often, but every time I   speak Englis deliver take your money on t do in America, but t  Indians, lots of Australians in tal  no Americans. So   mad at first. t ion for  mad,   t oppers house.

    ill sitting on her, so her voice sounded funny.

    On a cell, he said.

    s a cell? Jess asked.

    OK, a mobile, wever.

    Fair play to .

    Are you American? Jess asked him.

    Yeah.

    are you doing delivering pizzas?  are you guys doing sitting on ting on my  a free country, Jess said.

    You cant do  to.

    did you hing.

    So jump, Martin said.

    So were you! he ignored her.

    You he pizza man asked us.

    e didnt say anything.

    the f—? he said.

    t? Its an American abbreviation, said Martin.  quot;t; means quot; t; In America, t t ime to say t;;.

    ould you co t all brougy.

    t sat do  later old us it  t at all.

    OK, er a w her go.

    e didnt move.

    ening to me? Am I gonna o come over and make you listen? ood up and owards us.

    I tin said, as if o stand up of  because t puncood up, and I stood up, and Jess stood up and brus. tared at Martin.

    Youre t bloke, s tV bloke. t een-year-old. Martin Sin Sting on my .

    ell, of course I didnt  any fifteen-year-old. I dont look at t sort of ne one on the bus.

    You kidding me? said t to prison? I read about him.

    Martin made a groaning noise. Does everyone in America knooo? he said.

    Sure, t it in times.

    Oin, but you could tell he was pleased.

    I  kidding, said to present a breakfast tV s real.

    Give us some pizza, t flavours ? I dont knohe pizza man.

    Let me hen, said Jess.

    No, I mean… t my pizzas, you kno tarted poking the pizzas.

    t kno is tables.

    Vegetarian, said tever, said Jess. s arian. t  agree h me.

    JJ  I told a couple people about t nig t t, but t get t. Most people get suicide, I guess; most people, even if its ime in t about o  day. anting to die seems like it mig of being alive. So anyell people tory of t Ne? You s more, you knoed to do your  place… Sure, I can see  second, t to know w a guy like me was doing delivering fucking pizzas.

    OK, you dont knoake my  t Im not stupid. I read t of every book I can get my  and Brendan Be o be precise - Id finisionary Road by Rices, ally aually going to jump  only because it le mystique to my deat because it migting more people to read it.

    But t, I didnt ion time, and I left it at o say, t I  recommend finis on Cmas Day, in like a cold-er bedsit, in a city  probably didnt  I mean, because the ending is a real downer.

    Any is, people jump to t anyone driving around Nortty little moped on Ne certainly one stagione s of ttro. ell, OK, ion, because delivering pizzas is a job for losers. But  all dumb ass, even  out of all t  least t educated. e got African doctors, Albanian la  understand  more pizza-related violence in our society. Just imagine: youre like top o come to England because t regime s to nail your ass to a tree, and you end up being patronized at toned teenage mot you be legally entitled to break o be a loser. than one way of losing.

    So I could say t I  because Im not an Englisalian guy, or a Spanisever. So I or of Casa Luigi on  care t I o say t s oo small, too dark and airless and fucking o crao.

    trouble ion is t  good enougeac doing someto be somets our inalienable rigizens of ty-first century. If Cina Aguilera or Britney or some American Idol jerk can be somet I?  on t live sics and not many real people liked. But alent is never enougo make us ? I mean, it salent is a gift, and you s, but I didnt. It just pissed me off because I  being paid for it, and it didnt get me on tone.

    Oscar ilde once said t ones real life is often t lead. ell, fucking rig embley and Madison Square Garden and platinum records, and Grammies, and t  t felt like I could t a let me be, I dont kno didnt even let me stand up properly. It felt like Id been unnel t ting narroed to ser, and I ools I   ts no reason to stick . Any Neten sick of it, finally. My fingernails ips of my fingers  for self-expression o fly off t fucking roof like Superman. Except, of course, it didnt  like t.

    Some dead people, people ive to live: Sylvia Plat Cobain, of course. Some alive people: George . Bus a cross next to t  to he alive side.

    And, yea out t I acked t t , a fes and musicians and so on. And you could also point out t Stalin and ler  so great, and th us.

    But indulge me anyalking about. Sensitive people find it o stick around.

    So it  Maureen, Jess and Martin S to take t Van Goge out of t didnt jump off top of a Nortment building.) A middle-aged ic and a talk-s  didnt add up. Suicide  invented for people like this.

    It ed for people like Virginia oolf and Nick Drake. And me.

    Suicide o be cool.

    Neal losers. It upid fault. Of course t croe - like Marcook o ts, t t. It  t o deliver to t in toppers unity seemed too good to turn down.

    My plan o o top, take a look around to get my bearings, go back doo deliver t.

    And suddenly tential suicides munco deliver and staring at me. tly expecting some kind of Gettysburg address about   give a fuck  knoo add muco total of .

    So, I said. Great. Pizza. A small, good t like this.

    Raymond Carver, as you probably kno it ed on these guys.

    Now w? said Jess.

    e eat our pizza.

    t give it . I dont knoo hen?

    Everyone needs a little time out. Looks to me like tting undignified up y minutes? Is t agreed? One by one t back to c time I ried one of Ivans. It was inedible, maybe even poisonous.

    Im not fucking sitting  your fucking   miserable faces, said Jess.

    ts  te agreed to do, Martin reminded her.

    So  of agreeing to do somet doing it? No point. Jess ly untroubled by the concession.

    Consistency is t refuge of tive, I said. ilde again.

    I couldnt resist.

    Jess glared at me.

    o you, said Martin.

    t in anyts why were up here.

    See, noty interesting p. Jess  as long as op, s ention.

    to live outside t be , I said.

    t mean? said Jess.

    You kno means, to tell you trut, not me, and Id al it sounded good. But t situation Id ever been in  to test, and I could see t it didnt side teetime ed, and I  sure w.

    Nothing, I said.

    S up, then, Yankee boy.

    And I did. tely ty-eiges of our time out remaining.

    A long time ago, elly about tory of tles. Jen liked tles, so sc, but I didnt mind. (I probably told  of felt ttle s , t o go off and be t famous group in ory. ell, ts   saying t because it sounds good, but Im not. I kne  ar,  and all t, but my feeling  anyto do  mean t I could tell  rig Ringo, t s very funny. I  I  sual. Martin alented or cool. t it, maybe .

    Any just felt like somet eresting, and so I couldnt understand ting ting pizza slices. So I in goes, , supid, so I called utted and asked me  in called me a stupid, mean little girl, so I spat at   do anytle me, and so JJ jumped in betin, because I dont t me, ely ten and scratcer t little fluffle of activity  ting eac.

    And t sure . And Martin ed in your experiences? Your experiences are delivering pizzas.

    And JJ goes, ell, your experiences, t mine. But it oo late, and I could tell from  you? And  say anytin and Maureen looked at in just goes, ere you going to jump in   airs to deliver before coming back up again. And I said, ell, en tin goes, Gos seem like type, and JJ said, If you guys are type t say Im sorry. tell, a lot of, like, badness in the air.

    So I tried again. Os talk, I said. No need for pain-sharing.

    Just, you knoing. e mig see a , kind of to admit I  of plan. My plan  t back togetter.

    But t, because ted Maureen to go first.

    I t really said anyt rubbed anyone up t. And also, maybe, because I erious tin everyone seemed to kno from t you could tell t t JJ,  kno

    of Americans are gay people, arent t invent gayness, because t  t back into fas like t disappeared in ancient times, and t it back in tietury. Any kno gays, so I just presumed ted to kill t me… You couldnt really tell anyt me from looking at me, so I they were curious.

    I didnt mind talking, because I kne need to say very much.

    None of ted my life. I doubted  for as long as I s aloilet bit t upsets people. o moan before - i-depressants, for example - I alion toilet bit, t needs doing most days. Its funny, because its t Ive got used to. I cant get used to t my life is finisless, too ely   t really s als tor reachough.

    Os a no-brainer. Dont c it.

    Some people cope, said Martin.

    ho? said Jess.

    e y-five years.

    And t  tV s saying.

    are you just saying? Im just saying it can be done.

    Youre not saying whough, are you? Maybe she loved him.

    tin and Jess and JJ. Like people in a soap opera, bang bang bang. Like people o say. I could never  quickly, not t made me realize t Id  all for ty-odd years. And to most couldnt speak back.

    o love? Jess  even an aable. A vegetable in a coma.

    be a vegetable if  in a coma, would in.

    I love my son, I said. I didnt  to t.

    Yes, said Martin. Of course you do. e didnt mean to imply otherwise.

    Do you  us to kill onig. Before I kill myself. I dont mind. No skin off my nose.

    And its not like  muco live for, is it? If , poor sod.

    My eyes filled ears, and JJ noticed.

    are you, a f— idiot? o Jess. Look w youve done.

    So-rry, said Jess. Just an idea.

    But t

    to live, ty to die. And knowing w made me cry more.

    MARtIN  Everyone bloody kne me, so I didnt see t of told t.

    Oating American  doesnt take long, I find, to be irritated by Yanks. I kno success over teful natives of t all t cool-daddio stuff gets on my e est movie. You certainly  ttering around Archway delivering pizzas.

    e just  to , said Jess.

    t a quot;my sidequot;. I  and Im paying the price.

    So you dont  to defend yourself? Because youre among friends here, said JJ.

    S spat at me, I pointed out.  kind of a friend is t? O be sucting at me. I never take it personally.

    Maybe you ss end it to be taken.

    Jess snorted. If I took it personally, I  .

    e let t one he air.

    So  to kno you dont knoo every story, said Jess. e only knohe bad side.

    I didnt know seen, I said. Sold me seen.

    Seen. t . t ory.

    So if s be up  suppose I  he law.

    ouldnt o prison. ouldnt  my job, my  …   So youre saying it  bad luck.

    Id say tain degree of culpability involved. tell you, an attempt at dry understatement; I didnt kno Jess is at  he bleeding obvious.

    Just because youve sionary, it doesnt mean youve done nothing wrong, said Jess.

    ts ;culpabilityquot;… Because some married men  ter  kids and all,  you? I have indeed.

    So bad lucks got noto do .

    O over t trying to make excuses for myself. I feel so c to die.

    I should hope so.

    troducing too. Very helpful.

    Very… curative.

    Anoty look.

    Im interested in something, said JJ.

    Go on.

    easier to like leap into to face up to o w Ive done.

    People are alheir wives and kids.

    t all jump off of buildings, man.

    No. But like Jess says, maybe they should.

    Really? You take of ts some , said JJ.

    Did I really t? Maybe I did. Or maybe I  knoten tly t, more or less. turally. Id called for toration of ty, for example. Id called for resignations and crations and prison sentences and public ions and penances of every kind. And maybe I  it rousers sually, I cant remember  te punis ion. But t is t I ising o keep my trousers, so noo my o o pay if you abloid columnist whe line youd drawn.

    Not every mistake, no. But maybe this one.

    Jesus, said JJ. Youre real tough on yourself.

    Its not just t, anys tion. t of tion. tV ss c of room. I cant see any way forward or back.

    tful silence, for about ten seconds.

    Rigurn.

    I launc , My names Jess and Im eig I dont need to go into. And t up ion. Because  say anyt . But if ion Id feel better, I t.

    Except I cant find  ty doairs looking for  there. So I came up here.

    And Martin goes, all sarcastic, Youre going to kill yourself because C turn up at a party? Jesus.

    ell, I never said t, and I told ion, t it?

    rying to make me sound stupid, and t  fair, because

    to eac let me be on breakfast television any more. Oable and I dont talk to anyone and I o clean up  make Maureen sound stupid. But it seemed to me t taking t on. You could aken t of all four of us; you can take t of anyone whos unhappy, if youre cruel enough.

    So I go, t  ion migop me. I didnt say it  op you. But youre not up o railings, are you?

    t s .

    JJ ed to find C I  because ic and Duaking t it? But  knoy or anot you go looking for ead of fucking around up  of energy and  I kne rue.

    I dont kno you is, youre reading t kno kno of  youll maybe smile to yourself o yourself, O feels. But you cant, you smug old git. O remember feeling sort of pleasantly sad. You migening to music and eating ces in your room, or  on your oer coat and feeling lonely and brave. But can you remember  felt like you ing into your oomach?

    Can you remember taste of red  came back up and into toilet boill toget alking to you gently and touc every morning  all over again? Can you remember carving ials in your arm canding too close to tform?

    No? ell, fucking s up tick your smile up your saggy old arse.

    JJ  I o just like splurge, tell em everyto knoo lie. I guess I felt a little queasy listening to tty solid. Jesus, everyone understood in  even so, t level of ion and s if Id uck around as long as s. So it  like people itive, exactly, but tain amount of, I dont kno…marking out territory?

    And maybe I felt a little insecure because Martin co be tion guy, but my sion o look a little pale. een-year-old, and fucked over in tabloids; Id been dumped by a girl, and my band  going anywhere. Big fucking deal.

    Still, I didnt til I rouble  lost my nerve.

    So, I said. OK. Im JJ, and… oss t stand for? People al to knoials are for, and I never tell te my name.  ed guys, and  too mucime listening to t-ies, Joes millions of books about like cuff. And ts me. Jo of school and form a band? Yep.

    Is Jo? Nope. JJ is OK, though. JJs cool enough.

    ts my business. Anyway, Im JJ, and Im  w your name is.

    until I find somet tells me. Your passport or bank book or somet find anyt steal somet give it back until youve coughed up.

    Jesus C.  gives his girl?

    Youd rat tials?   Yeae not knohings.

    I dont knoin. But if youre really troubled by your o than JJs name.

    s t supposed to mean? Do you kno. As if anyone   t secrets, are t like not knos. I could find t otuff out any time I felt like it, and I dont feel like it.

    If   to tell us,   to tell us. Do your friends call you JJ? Yeah.

    ts good enough for us.

    Snot good enough for me, said Jess.

    Just belt up and let alk, said Martin.

    But for me, t  of truth, anyway, ha ha.

    I could tell I  going to get a fair ility coming off Jess and Martin, and these waves were breaking everywhere.

    I stared at te.

    So? said Jess. You forgotten ten, I said.

    ell, fucking spit it out then.

    Im dying, I said.

    See, I never t Id run into tty sure t sooner or later rudge back doairs or jump off ter, scale of problem etcetera. It really never occurred to me t to come back and repeat on me like a pickle in a Big Mac.

    Yea look great, said Jess.  you got? AIDS? AIDS fitted t for mont … Id , and its not t.

    AIDS I kney seconds after Jesss question - e?

    Leukemia? t. Im only a joke killer disease. Im not serious enougo offend anyone.

    I got like ts called CCR. er Revival, one of my all-time favorite bands, and a big inspiration to me. I didnt them looked like big Creedence fans.

    Jess oo young, I really didnt need to  Maureen, and Martin  if Id told him I was dying of incurable ABBA.

    Its like Cranial Corno-somet.

    t sounded about rig.

    Is t? Maureen asked.

    Oake a pill. Its just t  be arsed. Der.

    ts from drug abuse. Drugs and alcos all my o.

    You must feel a bit of a berk, then, said Jess.

    I do, I said. If quot;berkquot; means asshole.

    Yeah. Anyway, you win.

    o me once and for all t a competitive edge had snuck in.

    Really? I was pleased.

    Os, you knorumps! Youve got trumps, man.

    Id say t al disease in. t-miserable bastard game. Not much use anywhere else.

    ? Jess asked.

    I dont know.

    Roug like off top of your head.

    S up, Jess, said Martin.

    ed to knoh.

    ere not dealing .

    Not very well, Jess said.

    O rig deal h being dumped.

    e fell into a ile silence.

    ell, said Martin. So. hen.

    Now w? said Jess.

    Youre going art, said Martin.

    Like fuck I am. o marchere.

    Ill go ion.

    Go on.

    You .

    All of us? Yeaoo young to do t. You said.

    Im not sure I , looking back, said Martin. Youre , now.

    So its OK if I go over? Sarted to ohe roof.