SUNDAY, JANUARY 2, 1944
Dearest Kitty,
to do, I leafed the pages of my diary and
came across so many letters dealing of quot;Mot; in sucrong terms t I ;Anne, is t really you talking about e? Oh, Anne, how could you?”
I continued to sit e t I o confide it all to you. I tried to understand t year and make apologies for ions and dont attempt to explain ed t be clear. I ill do) from moods t kept my er (figuratively speaking) and alloo see tive, calmly considering emperament, or offended -- ing as they would have done.
I of no one but myself and calmly e do means a great deal to me, but I could easily e quot;over and done ; on many of its pages.
I Motill am a lot of time). Its true, s understand me, but I didnt understand ender and affectionate, but because of t situations I put ances in and h me.
I ook it far too muco and and beastly to urn, made in a vicious circle of unpleasantness and sorro a very at least its coming to an end. I didnt to see very sorry for myself, but ts understandable too.
t outbursts on paper are simply expressions of anger t, in normal life, I could amping my foot a feimes or calling Mother names behind her back.
tearfully passing judgment on Mot steadier. Most of time I manage to ongue o be getting along better. But t do, and ts to love Motion of a child.
I soot t its better for unkind o be doo o carry t.
Yours, Anne
thURSDAY, JANUARY 6, 1944
Dearest Kitty,
today I o confess. Its going to take a long time, but I o tell to someone, and youre t likely candidate, since I kno, no matter w happens.
t is about Motly complained about ried my best to be nice. Ive suddenly realized sers. ts all very nice, of course, except t a friend cant take to set a good example and be a person I can respect, but in most matters s not to do. I Margot tly about t so understand told you. And Fations o do her.
I imagine a mot and foremost, possesses a great deal of tact, especially to because of othings.
trivial, but t Ive never forgiven o go to tist. Mot planned to go ake my bicycle. ist and Motly informed me t too buy or look at somet remember ed to go along. But t come because I ears of rage ruso my eyes, and Margot and Mot me. I I stuck my tongue out at t treet. A little old lady o be passing by, and serribly s rangely enougimes, ticular ill stings whink of how angry I was.
I find it difficult to confess ts about myself. Im not prudisty, and yet every time t of trips to the
baten do, my w.
Yesterday I read an article on bluser. It ly to me. Not t I blus t of ticle did apply. s during puberty girls o t taking place in t too, embarrassment over Margot, Mot is a lot s s in t embarrassed.
I t just mean taking place on tside of my body, but also to talk about to myself. my period (and ts only been times), I in spite of all t and mess, Im carrying around a s secret. So even ts a nuisance, in a certain o time inside me once again.
Sis er also es t girls my age feel very insecure about t beginning to discover t ts and s. Id just turned teen ed t myself and realized t Ive become an quot;independent personquot; sooner t girls.
Sometimes o toucs and listen to t, steady beating of my .
Unconsciously, I at Jacques, I could no longer restrain my curiosity about oucs. Jacque refused.
I also errible desire to kiss ime I see a female nude, suc ory book, I go into ecstasy. Sometimes I find te I o struggle to ears. If only I had a girlfriend!
thURSDAY, JANUARY 6, 1944
Dearest Kitty,
My longing for someone to talk to I someook it into my o select Peter for to Peters room during t it Peters too
polite to so stay long. Ive alo linger in alking icing, and yesterday I got my cer, you see, is currently going t do anytting across from eac able, Peter on the divan.
It gave me a ts, and in ainty as to o be time a flicker of awareness of y. I saw ed.
I ed to say, quot;tell me about yourself. Look beneatty exterior.quot; But I found t it o tions to ask them.
to a close, and not t I told ticle on blus e you, of course, just t older. “
t nig, all t I o beg Peter for favors ing. But people anyto satisfy take me, for example, Ive made up my mind to visit Peter more often and, some o talk to me.
You mustnt ter, because Im not. If ter instead of a son, Id ried to make friends h her.
t before seven and immediately remembered . I ting on a cer. . . Peter Sc a book of dra t all -- t on. Peters eyes suddenly met mine, and I stared for a long time into ty broly, quot;If Id only kno; I turned abruptly aion. And t a soft, ole c mine, and it felt so good, so good . . .
At t point I ill feeling mine and aring deep into my , so deep t ill do. Again my eyes filled ears, and I at time glad because I kneainty t Peter is still the only one for me.
Its funny, but I often I sa I could even make out , crinkly velvet. Anotime Grandma appeared to me as a guardian angel. After t it o me t of Je whose in need.
And noer, my dearest Peter. Ive never al image of need a pograph, I can see him oh so well.
Yours, Anne
FRIDAY, ]ANUARY 7, 1944
Dearest Kitty,
Im suc. I forgot t I yet told you tory of my one true love.
tle girl, en, I took a liking to Sally Kimmel.
. One of Sallys cousins urned out to look like a movie idol and aroused more admiration t, comical, cime every aside from t, my love ed until Peter crossed my pat-and-out crusoo, and ton suit and me in a s summer dress. At tion to t t ter all, good-looking and slender, and intelligent face. iful bro his smile, which made him look so boyish and mischievous.
Id gone ao tryside during summer vacation, and ly told a kid, because Peter stopped seeing me. I loved I didnt to face trut clinging to il t if I continued to cer him, people would say I was boy-crazy.
t by. Peter o say o me. I started sc t and felt tentions, but t er on, errible crus as Ive already told you, I never fell in love again.
t;time ; ts old myself Id forgotten Peter and no longer liked . But my memories of rong t I o admit to myself t t I nothing has changed;
on trary, as Ive groure, my love and no Peter t I still s to tten me completely. I sa no one but Peter could uck in my mind t way.
Ive been in an utter state of confusion today. ed to s, quot;Oer!quot; Ive been tantly, and all day long Ive been repeating to myself, quot;Oel, my darling, darling Petel . .
.”
o go on living and praying to God t, if out of ers pato my eyes, read t;Oo you long ago.”
Once sex, oo young to understand t kind of desire. But I t I did understand it, and noo me noel!
I sa looked so different. My eyes er. I looked t tely faded from my lips. Im not els not t I can still feel iful eyes gazing at me and c mine. . . Oel, Petel, o free myself from your image? ouldnt anyone itute? I love you, t it simply couldnt keep gro o leap out and reveal itself in all its magnitude.
A ; likely to marry?quot; Id ;Sally, since he makes me feel
good, peaceful and safe!quot; But no;Petel, because I love and all my soul. I surrender myself completely!quot; Except for t one touc ts as far as it goes.
t attic el, sitting on ter talking for a s later I felt el, come to me. t Petel!
EDNESDAY, JANUARY 12, 1944
Dearest Kitty,
Beps been back for t ter be allo scil next for t stomachs.
Im currently going t craze and am diligently practicing my dance steps every evening. Ive made an ultramodern dance costume out of a lacy lavender slip belonging to Momsy. Bias tape is top and tied just above t. A pink corded ribbon completes tried to turn my tennis so ballet slippers, but iff limbs are o becoming as limber as to be. A terrific exercise is to sit on to sit on a cusakes a beating.
Everyone it remely good because it describes a number of adolescent problems. I t to myself, a bit ironically, quot; you take more interest in your os first!”
I t Margot and I ter relationss t no mot er in mind, since I dont believe Margot s as I do. Far be it from me to point out to Mot one of ers is not at all everyt Margot loves s going through a phase.
Margots gotten muc different to be. S nearly as catty tde kid .
Its funny, but I can sometimes see myself as otake a leisurely look at t;Anne Frankquot; and broranger.
Before I came t t I didnt belong to Momsy, Pim and Margot and t I sider. I sometimes around for six mont a time pretending I im, e. After t Id force myself to be friendly for a eps on tairs, I o say good morning. Id greet o ionate glance. But t me for or oto scely discouraged.
On telling myself t ss, cting nineteen to til ts of t times Id decide to stay angry, but to talk about after sc Id forget my resolution and Moto stop eps on tairs and felt lonely and cried into my pillo.
Everytten muc you already kne. Noo er. I fondle my pendant, press it to my lips and t; do I care! Petel is mine and nobody kno!quot; ity remark. t so muceenage girl?
SAtURDAY, JANUARY 15, 1944
My dearest Kitty,
to go on describing all our quarrels and arguments doo t detail. Its enougo tell you t and fats and oils and are frying our oatoes. Recently ing a little extra rye bread because by four oclock were so hungry for dinner we can barely
control our rumbling stomachs.
Motra sugar from Mr.
Kugler, he van Daans, because Mrs. van D.
didnt receive any on of boring you eful conversations and tears whey bore us even more?
Mot likely to come true any time soon: not to o see Mr. van Daans face for t odds s. Or roke of bad luck? At mealtime, er of t and leaves t of us to do , I lose my appetite and feel like jumping to my feet, knocking the door.
Are most people so stingy and selfis into ure since I came Ive . Peter says the same.
to go on despite our quarrels and our longing for freedom and fresry to make t of our stay here.
Im preac I also believe t if I live urn into a dried-up old beanstalk. And all I really is to be an -to-goodness teenager!
Yours, Anne
EDNESDAY EVENING, JANUARY 19, 1944
Dearest Kitty,
I (t knoicing Peter again last nig rate mine, but t quite as beautiful as t.
You kno I alo be jealous of Margots relationsher.
t a trace of my jealousy left noill feel o t;I cant blame you for being talk so muc ts,
but you dont kno t t; I long for more tion, more t it ao be so preoccupied I, o be good and kind, forgive t? I forgive Motoo, but every time sic remark or laug me, its all I can do to control myself.
I know Im far from being w I should; will I ever be?
Anne Frank
P.S. Fatold you about ty, from t at t t.
SAtURDAY, JANUARY 22, 1944
Dearest Kitty,
Can you tell me le trust in one anot be a reason, but sometimes I ts you cant ever confide in anyone, not even t to you.
It seems as if Ive gro I dream, as if Ive become more independent. Youll be amazed even my attitude toopped looking at all ts from my familys biased point of vie, if sions. Mrs. van Daan is by no means a s could been so o deal ime t onto a tricky subject. Mrs. van Daan does , talk to ingy and under s provoke actic doesnt ime, but if youre patient, you can keep trying and see .
All ts about our upbringing, about not pampering c t everytely everyt aken a different turn if erms instead of al side.
I knoly o say, Kitty.
quot;But, Anne, are to put up airs? From you, wices?”
And yet t to take a fres t just ape my parents, as in t;tree.quot; I to reexamine ts true and of proportion. If I ed in t if not, I can try to ctitude.
And if t doesnt ick . Ill take every opportunity to speak openly to Mrs. van D. about our many differences and not be afraid -- despite my reputation as a smart aleck -- to offer my impartial opinion. I say anytive about my o doesnt mean I defend today, my gossiping is a t.
Up to noely convinced t tirely to blame for t no ter intelligent people (suc into o deal hers.
I at least a touc insig Ill find an occasion to put it to good use.
Yours, Anne
MONDAY, JANUARY 24, 1944
Dearest Kitty,
A very strange to me. (Actually, quot;; isnt quite t word.)
Before I came scalked about sex, tive or disgusting. Any in ten laug. t struck me as odd, and I often t. But because I couldnt ctle as possible or asked my girlfriends for information.
After Id learned quite a lot, Moto me, quot;Anne, let me give you some good advice. Never discuss t up, dont anshem.”
I still remember my exact reply. quot;No, of course not,quot; I exclaimed. quot;Imagine!quot; And nothing more was said.
into en told me about t from books or tions.
Peter van Daan ever as obnoxious about t as t sc once or t trying to get me to talk.
Mrs. van Daan once told us sters er, and as far as sly s even know er knew or w ion.
Yesterday, er and I atoes, tion someurned to Boc;ere still not sure w; I asked.
Yes .”
I began to laug;Some tomcat if .”
Peter and Margot joined in ter. You see, a monter informed us t Boco tens before long, because omac tummy turned out to be due to a buncolen bones. No kittens o be born.
Peter felt called upon to defend my accusation. quot;Come one day, and I could definitely see it was a he. “
Unable to restrain my curiosity, I o t receiving visitors at t . e ed for a cold, back upstairs.
Later t afternoon I er go doairs for time. I mustered to able, playing er, o put he scale and weigh him.
quot; to ; it any preliminaries, , turned ly he lesson.
quot;tray s his backside.”
t flipped ood up on tle .
If any oted out t;male sexual organquot; to me, I er on talking in a normal voice about . Nor did erior motives. By time so muc ease t I started acting normally too. e played ime, cted a bit and finally sauntered to t;ere you there when Mouschi was fixed?”
quot;Yea doesnt take long. t an anestic, of course.”
quot;Do take somet?”
quot;No, t just snips tube. to see on tside.”
I o get up my nerve to ask a question, since it as quot;normalquot; as I t.
quot;Peter, tsteil means sexual organ, doesnt it? But t names.”
quot;I kno.”
quot;t I kno I dont knos called in males.”
quot;O; I said. quot;o kno of time you just come across t.”
quot;? Ill ask my parents. theyve had more experience.”
e airs, so nothing more was said.
Yes, it really did alked to a girl about tone of voice. Im also certain t t w boys.
All t exactly my usual self for t of t
back to our talk, it struck me as odd. But Ive learned at least one te sex, cracking jokes.
Is Peter really going to ask s a lot of questions? Is erday?
O do I know?!!!
Yours, Anne
FRIDAY, JANUARY 28, 1944
Dearest Kitty,
In recent liking for family trees and tables of royal families. Ive come to t once you begin your searco keep digging deeper and deeper into t, eresting discoveries.
Altremely diligent o my scty mucill spend many of my Sundays sorting out and looking over my movie-star collection, able size. Mr. Kugler makes me er magazine. ten refer to te of money, yet to be surprised at ely I can list tors in any given movie, even after a year. Bep, o tells me on Saturday to see, and I to rattle off tors and actresses and tly remarked ; t I need to go to ter on, because !
I knos, tars and t.
yle, I I can read tar Im trying to imitate. My reply, t its my oion, is greeted icism. As for t doesnt s set for ~ more t time Im so sick and tired i of t I race to tore my o its normal mass of curls.
Yours, Anne
FRIDAY, JANUARY 28, 1944
Dearest Kitty,
t like a coil youre so fed up onous fare t you yaly wishing new.
Sorry, I kno dull as ditcer, but imagine ired I am of uff. If talk at mealtime isnt about politics or good food, trot out stories about t beautiful racetes extensive s, boys ened patients. It all boils doo t of us opens ory for gets told, so t is left to laugco times t in our imaginations tely no c up for discussion in the Annex.
Still, all t be bearable if only t in t of repeating tories I often o pincable to keep myself from setting tic storyteller on t track. Little c never, ever correct tter en t tions run ahem.
Jan and Mr. Kleiman love talking about people uation and t ruly sympated as he joy of prisoners whove been freed.
Going underground or into ine as t used to a ter a long day at ance groups, suc forge identity cards, provide financial support to tians ws amazing hese generous and unselfish
people do, risking to hers.
t example of to pull us to se of trying to protect. Never tered a single t be, never oo mucrouble. tairs every day and talk to t business and politics, to t food and ime difficulties and to t books and ne on t cs for birto do hey can.
ts somet; ts and affection.
t bizarre stories are making t most of true. For instance, Mr. Kleiman reported t a soccer matceam consisted entirely of men ion cards were issued.
In order for to get tions (you o so obtain your ration book or else pay 60 guilders a book), trar asked all t district to pick up t a specified s could be collected at a separate table.
All to be careful t stunts like t reache Germans.
Yours, Anne
SUNDAY, JANUARY 30, 1944
My dearest Kit, Anot mind t theyre boring enough.
I still gone to t, but maybe sometime soon. Last nig doairs in ter s before. I stood at top of tairs count on ot. My fear vanished.
I looked up at trusted in God.
I ense need to be alone. Faticed Im not my usual self, but I cant tell s bot to do is scream quot;Let me be, leave me alone!”
alone more than Id like!
Anne Frank